i never listen to the announcements. i have choir 3rd period, and they never shut up. i have no hope of hearing the announcements. i don’t know who won class elections, i don’t know who the asb president is going to be next year, and i don’t know about random events going on at school. this never bothered me until wednesday, when i had the rare opportunity to listen to them. i was in math class taking a test, so it was dead silent. i heard whose birthday it was, what club activities there were, everything. i felt very informed. today, i decided to read the announcements at brunch, just to repeat this informed feeling. turns out we’re having a super smash brothers competition, which i never would have guessed. something about our baseball team, as well. maybe if i had had the opportunity to listen to announcements before i would have not gone a year and a half at cupertino before knowing we even had a baseball team. there’s a mandatory tutor meeting next week, and although i don’t really care because i’m not a tutor, if i were, i would really be glad i decided to read the announcements and find this out. it’s abdul’s birthday today, which i didn’t know either. happy birthday abdul, by the way. i can’t remember if i said that in class. but anyway, the moral of this story is that i can learn a lot about what’s going on if i read the announcements. maybe i’ll read them more often.
i wonder how long it’s going to take me to get over this whole “following” business. i just got an email saying “cynicalyetfun started following you.” that just sounds a little creepy to me. i don’t know. why couldn’t they pick something else, like “reading your posts” or “has become a fan” or something? i understand the intent, but still.
i had a conversation with my friends today about writing how we speak. i was never under the impression that i did… but then a friend who read my world war one essay said that she could hear me saying all of that. i suppose i could say all of that, i just never thought about it because i always try to write more formally than i speak on essays, as everyone should. then before chem, i was talking to one of them again, and she said i speak kind of distinctively. thinking about it, i guess that’s kind of true also. i say “i suppose” or “entirely possible” a lot, (which is another thing i never thought about, but is in fact true) but i don’t hear other people saying that. i use expressions like “to each his own.” i use large words like “calamitous” or “nonetheless.” i don’t think about it, i just do. i’m sure there are other words or phrases that i use a lot. it just never occurred to me that i spoke any differently than other people.
How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call in backup.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Apply band-aid to friend’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get friend to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
so here i am. on a tumblr. i know there is at least one person out there (cough cough) rejoicing. and theres probably another one out there (who probably doesnt know about this one’s existence) saying, shame. and another one laughing at me, who is going to say i have no willpower like the rest of you. but this is not, i repeat, NOT, a formspring. so there.
i’m not exactly sure what i’m going to post. interesting, funny, pretty… i don’t know. you’re just going to have to wait and see, aren’t you?